Tee He He - just got an email that made me giggle. It was one of those emails where you have to enter in names of male and female friends, along with various other things such as animals, body parts - you know the ones I mean? Well This is the result of my inputs:

Big Brother!
Day 1 - Gary admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Tosha. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Lisa is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Chris later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Neil creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Conchita hits him with a spoon.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Taj Mahal out of grapes. After much persuasion by Neil, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the Taj Mahal task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Chris, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the grapes. Conchita is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the Taj Mahal task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Chris farts and blows Taj Mahal over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Tosha cries.

6 - Neil gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Tosha admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a spoon. Gary says he never wears condoms because they make his willy sore and Neil agrees. Lisa goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Chris sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Neil.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Gary goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Conchita and Tosha are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Gary .

9 - Conchita and Tosha are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Lisa sings them a song - The Birdie Song - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote Tosha out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Tosha leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Tosha's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Lisa has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Conchita is visibly depressed and is comforted by Neil, who tries to touch her on her bottom.

12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Neil touching Conchita's bottom over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Chris refuses to run because his willy hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Chris finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Conchita calls Chris a lazy willy.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Gary tells everyone individually that he thinks Conchita is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Conchita and Neil are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Gary .

16 - The nominations are announced. Conchita can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Neil is equally stunned and turns to Conchita for comfort. Chris is distraught and confesses to Lisa that he thinks he is in love with Neil. Lisa says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote Neil out of the house. Conchita says she is gutted and even gives Neil a clipping of hair from her bottom to prove how much she cares. Chris is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Neil leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Conchita clipping the hair from her bottom. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Wales in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Wales sounds like but Chris says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Gary as the one who must complete the task.

21 - Gary successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Wales but also God Save The Queen, The Birdie Song and the theme tune to Location Location. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and Gary tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Chris and Lisa are nominated.

23 - Chris and Lisa take their nominations well and sit down with Gary and Conchita to discuss why they voted for them. Gary keeps quiet but Conchita accuses Chris of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred willy before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote Lisa out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Lisa leaves.

25 - Gary becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Gary 's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of elephant dung using only a spoon. Gary is unsure but Chris is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Chris breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the elephant incident from his childhood. Conchita tries to persuade him to stay but Gary sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Chris decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the elephant dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Conchita from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Gary asks Conchita to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Gary nominates Conchita to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Conchita.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Conchita graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Gary is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Gary takes his £70,000 and runs away to Wales. Nobody, including Conchita, ever sees him again.